[i]For you who realize that you have been living to be someone you are not For you who don’t know what you want For you who aim to please[/i]
It was a winter dawn, and you were loved. You were born a perfect, little, baby Chinese-American girl. Chubby, 9 lbs. You were quick to guzzle milk like a champion.
You did your best. You were nicknamed: Guai Guai. Obedient.
You began to listen to everyone around you.
You were happy to listen, to serve, to make people happy.
But listening to others, you never listened to yourself.
You lost your way, somehow.
You tried to be who you thought you were supposed to be.
You were polite.
You followed the rules.
You stayed quiet.
You didn’t eat too much, because then they would call you fat.
You didn’t yawn when you wanted to, because that wouldn’t be polite.
You abstained from bathroom breaks, as to not inconvenience the people around you.
You worked hard to be the best at everything, because if you weren’t, you lost it all.
You had to be better than everyone
You had to play by the rules
You had to be seen as good, pleasant, smart.
Because who else would you be?
You didn’t know
How to breathe
How to be
How to move
as who you were born to be
You didn’t know who you wanted to be
You became like everyone else
And inside, your soul become quiet
You went under
The shoulds echoing around in your mind
Then, one day,
your body said no
You hit rock bottom in a way that you still don’t understand
You’re not sure if anyone will understand, or be interested in that story, until it drags them under, too
You finally listened
You lost your mind
You found your heart
Your body took over
You danced at midnight
When your eyes closed, you saw light
and you saw darkness
You saw life and death
You still think it sounds crazy
You judge yourself for it
Maybe you were crazy. Maybe you weren’t. Maybe you were just trying to survive.
Now, things are starting to make sense
Maybe there’s no good or bad
Maybe there’s no perfect to uphold
But you’re struggling to understand the complexity of it all
Who are you?
What do you want?
Who do you want to be?
In this moment?
When you’ve never recognized what you want to do
That what you want is valid?
And is exactly what you need to be doing?
You never had strong desires, you say
You could make do, anywhere, you say
But what if you
had infinite freedom
what if you could be whoever you wanted to be?
Where would you be?
Would you be here, standing, sitting, exactly where you are?
Hold on to that hope.
That belief in yourself.
You know what you’re doing.
Everything’s going to be okay.